There are times in everyone's life that are monumental ... going to college, finding your soul mate, career paths, having children. But there are also times in your life that are character building monumental times. Times when just pure circumstance or uninhibited conversations lead you to make definite decisions about the kind of person you want to be. I had one of those very defining moments just last week ... my first one as a mom.
Someone influential in my son's life at the moment made a harsh criticism of my skills as a parent ... suggesting that I am "too nice" to him. I went through several different phases of emotions ... anger, guilt and sadness to name a few. While I don't feel any strong desire to defend my parenting philosophy or parenting style to her, I of course have thought long and hard about "Am I too nice to my kids?" "Is there such a thing?" "Am I a doormat?"
So ... the reasonable answer I have come up with for myself is ... I don't really think you can be too nice ... especially to your kids.
My Grandmother was probably one of the nicest people to ever have walked the earth ... I never heard her say a bad word about anyone ... even when I baited her or gave her very oppurtune outlets. She said hi to everyone whether she knew them or not, sheltered her family with love before anything else and always, always wore her compassion for others on her sleeve. If my children and grandchildren have the same things to say about me when I am not long for this world, that would make me happy.
Going forward I will continue to hug my kids that one extra time and do my best to give them explanations for why their behavior was inappropriate instead of yelling harshly and always talk to them how I would appreciate being talked to and always let them know that people make mistakes but that is no reason to be mean to them.
So, in closing I can't wait for my kids to wake up tomorrow morning so I can shower them with love and niceness. I hope you do the same with your kids and with everyone in your life!
Rubin....love it!
ReplyDeletei wonder if who i think said this is the one who did...
I think I told you this story once before, but I still remember a few years ago when my sister Chrissy and I were talking about you and Conor (this was right after you two got married). Our conversation consisted of wanting you to have lots of kids. :)
ReplyDeleteBoth Chrissy and I agreed that if there were little Copeland-Murphys running around, the world would truly be a better place. You and Conor are two incredibly positive and kind individuals, and I know that you will teach your children those same qualities. Even though I don't get to see you as often as I'd like, I know that you are an amazing mom to your kids. With all of the stuff coming out about gay teens committing suicide, I think that sharing "too much" love is needed now more than ever. Love you, mama!
I love your blog Carrie!
ReplyDeleteAs for being too nice of a parent, just remember the source of the criticism. This person does not have the insight into your life that they think they do. Only you & Conor know how to raise your kids. I think part of being a parent is staying true to who you are & who you want your kids to be, amidst all of the praise, criticism & advice around you. Would yelling & screaming at your kids make you a better parent? absolutely not. It's not who you are. (though I will add that I've seen your angry face & it's a good one my dear!) There will always be people around us who think they know better. Just gotta filter out the junk & hold onto the tidbits of great advice given to you.
And honestly, you are one of the kindest people I know. I find it hard to imagine you being any other way with the two amazing little kiddos you brought into this world.
so...are you gonna tell me who said it, so i can go scratch her eyeballs out!! just kidding, really loved Aly and Diane's comments - couldnt be more true!
ReplyDelete